Over the past couple of days, I feel like I have really been trying to think of and plan the steps that are right for me and my future. I have been looking into internships, career options, what I REALLY want to do for my future, colleges, jobs, courses, extracurriculars, and many more. Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking more about how I want my future to look and it has led me to the same exact feeling every single time: I feel nowhere close to ready for this.
Although I have about a year and a half before the BIG changes in my life begin to take place (moving out, college, higher education, finding a job, and starting a life of my own), the idea that I only have a year and a half haunts me. I know that when the time comes, I will feel much more ready and secure than I feel now. I’m usually the type of person who loves to plan. I have lists and pros/cons charts for every little decision that I make, I even have side-lists for my main lists :)… I like to visualize everything that is going on. But the idea that I really can’t plan what’s my future is going to look like and I just have to do my best now and hope for the best in the future really scares me. Like what college will I go to? Will I be able to live with/near family? Will I be able to fit in with those around me? Will I be financially stable? What career path will I end up following? Although I don’t have answers to this right now, I guess there is a special beauty in that uncertainty and not knowing. A beauty that I might not understand just yet. The beauty of an adventure called life.
Something I tell myself whenever I feel apprehensive about anything is that life is an adventure and it will unfold one moment at a time. Nothing is in my control except the second I am living right now. No matter how much I try and plan, no matter how many lists and schedules I make, no matter what decisions I make now that I feel will impact my future, nothing is actually in my control. Not even 1%. Although I know I can’t control my feelings about the future and I know that feeling apprehensive and confused is totally okay and normal (even if it may not seem like it), I just need to learn to live in the moment and let go. What is meant to happen will happen. It will definitely take some getting used to and a huge shift in mindset but it’s the most I can do on my end.
Akshara Akella 