We all have some sort of struggle. Something we are trying to work on constantly. My struggle is my self-confidence. One of my resolutions this year is to work on my self-confidence. To know that I am perfect, no matter what others think of me.
My decline in self-confidence began in 6th grade. Until then, I really never cared what others thought of me. I used to be very different. For example, for our 5th-grade graduation, we had to wear formal wear, and I chose to wear an Indian traditional dress because that was who I truly was. I didn’t care what other people thought. Now, I would never be able to do that. Now, I try to blend in with the crowd, not stand out. And it is something that has affected me a lot because blending in is not always easy.
In 6th grade, when I started middle school, I didn’t know many people in the school since it was a new school and a new place, so I decided to make new friends. But I realized that people didn’t like me the way I was. I got weird looks, comments, and I even heard people talk behind my back. But what I didn’t realize is that is their problem, not mine. I began to close up. I didn’t talk much. I didn’t even try to make more friends. I just stuck with the ones I had.
When 7th grade began, I realized that having 3 or 4 friends isn’t good for me so I started to make new friends. But this time, I didn’t want to face the same hate, so I changed myself, for every single friend that I had. I was a different person in every class, with every one of my friends, none of them actually being myself. To one person, I loved swimming, to another I hated it. To one person, I spent all night studying for a test, and to another person, I didn’t study for the same test. My tactic worked, I did make friends, but in the end, I hurt myself to make these friends. I didn’t realize it at the time because I just wanted people to like me. This carried through 8th grade too, but the “friends” I made in 7th forgot me. I was back to square one.
When high school began, I knew I had to change. I knew I had to stop changing myself for others. But it wasn’t easy. I still worried about what others thought about me, how I dressed, how I spoke, what I said, how I stood, how I walked, how I looked. I continued to try and blend in with the crowd rather than create my own identity. I became so self-conscious. I was so different at school and at home. At home, I’m a chatterbox. I talk so much that my family members stop responding at one point because I still have so much energy in me and I drained it all out of them. But at school, I don’t even say more than 10 sentences. I close up in a box.
I am still trying to get myself out of that box. Still working on not caring about what other people think. Being online, it’s harder. I started this blog to help me find myself again. To help me create my own identity. To push me out of my box.
To all of you struggling with self-confidence. To all that think that you need to change yourself for others. Don’t. Be yourself. Let your light shine. Because those who don’t like you for who you are don’t deserve to have you. It’s their problem, not your fault. You are perfect the way you are and there should be no reason to change. And most importantly, love yourself for who you are, not for who others want you to be.
Akshara Akella 